i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
