oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
