I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
