We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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