Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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