I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
