Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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