dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
