Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
