He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
