If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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