Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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