If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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