And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
