I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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