Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
