I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
