I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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