why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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