He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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