i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
