So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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