if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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