We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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