I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
