if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
