I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
