he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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