I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
