Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
