Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
