Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
