I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
