haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
