I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You made out with two different species that night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
