thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
