just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
