you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
