woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
