Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
