Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
This is my gift to your gina
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
