Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Randomize
