Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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