broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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