It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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