you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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