i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
