You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
