How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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