how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
