My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
