there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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