I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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