My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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